


BitterSweet

by DarkSigyn



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-28 17:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/994583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkSigyn/pseuds/DarkSigyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Herc and Mako dealing with Max, their loss and other emotions...<br/>-<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Herc sighed heavily and kept walking, kept looking for this cursed sweet dog. Max was nowhere to be found, despite of the locked door of his room. Maybe he had left the door open when Tendo had called him into the LOCCENT because some UN chairman needed to speak with the new Marshal of the PPDC which suddenly was the crown of the UN defense strategy. Herc couldn’t recall, and there were many things he couldn’t recall ever since he had ordered that the war clock should be stopped. He knew that state already, when he had lost Angela, this time he knew once the shock was over, once the realization had gnawed its war to his consciousness, there would be no duty, no task to bury him with so that he could run away from it. His mind knew what had happened, his mind knew that all he had left was this frigging dog, which probably would live another two years and then he would be all alone. Herc had fought his war so that his son would have a normal life, so that his son wouldn’t suffer the same losses he did, but now Chuck was gone.  
The bay of Striker was empty, like someone had cleansed it out. Usually even at the dead of night, like 3 am, someone was here, but without a Jaeger to look after where was the point? Herc kept walking and focusing on his task to find his son’s dog which probably was looking for its master, not knowing an never understanding that his master would never return, and never be found. Chuck’s body wasn’t even lost at sea; it was evaporated in a multi-ton explosion. Herc clenched his jaw reminding himself not to think in that direction; it wasn’t helpful, he needed to focus.  
Being too tired to raise his voice and call out for the Max he marched through the empty and dim hangar, knowing that the dog would come over to him if it was there. It didn’t. If Max hadn’t found anything it would have come back so it had to be somewhere. Herc stopped as one idea crossed his mind that somewhat stung in his stomach as a result. There was only one person he could think of right now that would take in Chuck’s dog when it was found rummaging through the corridors of the Shatterdome. Again he sighed deeply and shook his head to continue his walk. Mako was the last person he wanted to see. Not because he didn’t like her, quite the contrary, because she was his best friend’s surrogate daughter and the one other thing apart from this dog that was rubbing reality into his face. And right now he couldn’t have that. He needed to be the fixed point now, the one who stood strong when every member of the PPDC looked at him, since no one knew where this project was heading with the Breach closed.  
Two loud barks echoed through the hangar and made him flinch. His eyes burned and even though he’d never admit it Herc felt weary and he guessed that the term 'old' was the right one. However Max had found him and relief made him relax a bit, before his mind could remind him of the circumstances, or the fact who was walking up to him right next to that dog.  
Speaking of the devil, Herc thought to himself.  
Just when he was about to say some sheepish line about the dog and his affection towards Mako he could see how she was wiping her eyes. A brief look around make clear that Raleigh wasn’t with her, something he hadn’t expected, simply because they had been inseparable since their first drift. This of course was typical for co-pilots only his son and he had been different and that was a whole other story.  
“I’m sorry”, Mako bowed briefly when she had come close enough so that she could speak normal, yet her voice still sounded hoarsely. “He was strolling around in my corridor, so I thought that I should take him for a walk since he was sure about where he was heading to.”  
She looked tired and Herc knew that if the lighting had been brighter he would be able to see that her eyes were red and swollen. So this was probably the reason for her being where no one else was: so that she could mourn. From what he remembered of her being a child expressing emotions was something done in private. That wasn’t just because she was Japanese, but also something Stacker had taught and encouraged. Herc himself always had had trouble dealing with that and he often had wished to know what Stacker’s secret had been, apart from Tamsin. Maybe, so he thought, he just was – no – had been a crappy father. He swallowed dryly, trying to choke away the ache in his chest.  
“No, it’s okay”, Herc managed to answer and even give her a smile, because that dog was at least able to comfort her.  
He wanted to add something to fill the silence, but Herc never had been good with words; he couldn’t wrap truth in present paper or make it more colorful that the words stung less. So all that came into his mind that Max just was looking for Chuck and he was relieved that he found someone to accompany him. As she held out her hand to give him the belt she had used instead of the leash that was still lying on Herc’s desk, he wanted to tell her that if she wanted to she could take Max with her for tonight, but then again he knew that he shouldn’t run away from his responsibility once again. So he reached out to take the belt and tried not to flinch as their hands met. Herc had always avoided to touch her and never had tried to investigate why.  
Her skin was softer than he had expected, because she was always working with them, and warmer since it was quite cold in the huge, empty hall. After realizing this he noticed that she was looking down almost shyly and he pulled back, dropping the belt: the downsides of being right handed with a broken collar bone, trying to move as quickly as one is used to with the left hand.  
Herc tensed and before he was able to move Mako already apologized and had bent down to get the belt. Max was curiously watching them.  
The second attempt of handing over a piece of leather was quite similar to the first one, apart from that Herc was trying to make sure not to drop it again and therefore basically took Mako’s hand who looked down again. Now the dim lighting probably was a perk for Stacker’s kid again, because Herc was sure she was blushing; and he probably too. In his case of course because he was an embarrassed cripple, even though her fingers were instinctively clenched around his. He could feel her tremble through that simple touch and his heart dropped to his feet.  
Where the hell was Raleigh? He asked himself. That boy was definitely rather fit to comfort Mako than him. Herc swallowed down the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure if it was paternal instinct or something else as he pulled at her hand and her with it. She followed without hesitation. And before he knew what or how or why or what even Mako had buried her face against his unbroken collar bone. He could feel her hot tears against his skin, seeping through the fabric of his Henley. She wasn’t sobbing, but breathing shallowly, shivering slightly and being careful to not pressing herself against him too much. When he wanted to place his unhurt arm around her that held the belt which was used as Max’s leash, Herc noticed with surprise that he already had done that, so he just placed his cheek against her hair and tried to keep his own tears from falling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mako is trying to get hold of her emotions that drift into a direction she always tried to avoid.

Mako had known him since her childhood, ever since the first time Stacker Pentecost had taken her with him to one of the Shatterdome’s he was stationed at. She knew Herc from the good old days when the radiation sickness of her surrogate father expressed itself through nothing more than mere headaches and insomnia. For some time she wasn't really aware of it. Herc always had been kind and gentle to her. Now she knew that just because of that she was destined to be avoided or picked on by Chuck, whenever he was aware of how his own father treated her. And right there, right now she felt endlessly selfish for searching comfort by the only person who shouldn't be burdened with it, the only one who had lost more than her. It should be the other way around. Mako couldn't help herself. She wanted to move away, she wanted to apologize, but she was no capable to move, or speak. All she could do was carefully pressing her against him, trying not to hurt his wounded shoulder; all she could do was breathe in this scent of shower gel and sleep. He smelled like he always had and that thought made her clench her teeth. Mako knew that she should not think into that direction, not remember how she admired and adored him when she had been younger, or that she still did. There always had been a reason that she had avoided to get too close at Herc when she became older, that she treated him with uttermost respect, hiding behind her strict manners, only letting it glimpse through when she cuddled with Max; just like father and son.  
"Maybe you should talk to Raleigh", his low voice resonated against her head and she could feel herself tense, expecting him to move away, yet he didn't, but added. "Is he okay?"  
That question was forcing her to break the contact, otherwise it would only express her need to touch him and that was more than seeking comfort. It would cross a line and Mako knew that for him it was carved in stone.  
All that was needed was just one step, one single step backwards and somehow her body obeyed her mind. That was until she watched her right hand move to slow, like it was glued to his shirt. Quickly she glanced down being thankful for the dim light around them. She already had embarrassed her enough.  
"He is okay, but worn out", Mako responded, looking at Max who was tilting his head staring back. "I didn't want to disturb his first good sleep in years. And... I didn't want to burden him with this."  
Instead she did so with the absolute last person she wanted to do so, she scolded herself silently, and the only one she wanted to be held with, another part of her mind added. Mako could feel herself tense. She was weak. Usually she wouldn't allow herself to think like that, usually she had been able to make herself belief that her teenage crush had only been just that and nothing more, and most of all over. If Herc even was thinking into that direction he probably suspected like everyone else that Mako and Raleigh would become more than just co-pilots, if they weren't already. Yet she knew no co-pilots that became a romantic couple after drifting. Stacker and Tamsin were never something like that. It wasn't a rule or something, it just never happened. For Mako thinking in a direction to get romantically, even sexually close to Raleigh was awkward, just like those implications a few years that she might be involved with her sensei. It wasn’t that Raleigh was not attractive, he most certainly was and she would not rule out that they might go there. One never knew what happened. Yet the bond a drift created was as special as a subconscious and instinctive family bond could be. It turned the pilots into the other one’s twin. She could not describe it any better. Mako felt as close to Raleigh as to herself, maybe even more. She accepted everything about him, without any exception. She could not say this about herself. Maybe when she would have a child she could draw a comparison. How was this for Herc? Losing his co-pilot and child? Was there even a possibility to find a combination of words that was able to express at least what he must feel?  
When her thoughts returned to the man that stood in front of her, she knew that she would never dare to drift with him. The thought alone sped up her heartbeat even more. Not because f her being afraid to face those experiences; not at least. And this wasn’t about her not trusting him; quite the contrary. No she was absolutely afraid of revealing to him what she thought, what she felt. Mako knew that Herc would not investigate, but they shared memories already and it was typical that shared memories were the ones that would be seen first. And he would experience her point of view, which was definitely something she wanted to avoid.  
Her heart was racing. She was weak; Mako told herself once more, smiling as Max let his tongue hang out of his mouth, looking like he was grinning at her. Maybe he felt the chaos inside her that he was calming down with simply just being there, being that cute, that innocent. Just then she realized that Herc had not commented on her answer, that they both had been silent while she had been diving into her mind. Embarrassment and confusion washed over her like a cold shower. So quickly she looked up, meeting his eyes as he was staring at her with an expression she could not read and never had seen on him before. Even though Herc was that kind of person who wore his emotions on his sleeve, Mako could not tell what that gaze meant, because it was so contradictive. His eyes were so endlessly sad that she had to swallow down a new flood of tears that tried to burn down the streams on her cheeks which hadn’t dried yet, and yet there was a faint smile hiding in the corners of his mouth.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the past.

Herc did not even notice that he kept staring at her, watching the expression on her face change as it followed her thoughts. He had known her for so long and most definitely more than she was aware of, though as an engineer and pilot she had to know or at least assume that there was not really a way of avoiding memories of a co-pilot. And even without him drifting with his son Herc would have known that something had happened between her and Chuck. Being a failure as a father or not: he had not been blind and his son had inherited the flaw of not being able to hide emotions like she or Stacker could.  
When Mako’s eyes focused again meeting his Herc felt a punch in his stomach that made his broken bone hurt, even as she knelled down to take the dog’s face into her hands and stroke it. He realized that was grateful for her acting like this, since he had no idea what to say or to do right now, as he remembered that huge crush his son had had on her and how she unknowingly not just broke that boy’s heart but smashed it into tiny splinters. Chuck had admired her, adored her always secretly but Herc had seen those looks on his boy’s face whenever he thought no one was watching. They had been friends as kids and later on teens and hang out every time they got the chance until something changed; at least in his son’s eyes. Mako had always been focused on one thing only: becoming a pilot, the best of her class; just like Chuck. Yet their motivation could not have been more different, just as their characters. And when his son became a pilot and Mako was absolutely indifferent about this Chuck was more than confused, he had been angry and hurt. And he knew that deep inside his son always had been angry and hurt and lost, no matter how hard Herc had tried to change that. Though father and son never had talked about it for Chuck becoming a pilot never had been a choice, there had been no alternative, but that boy had truly believed that once he was a pilot Mako Mori would reveal to him that she had just the same huge crush on him than he had on her. And that didn’t happen. Instead she kept talking about how amazing Gipsy Danger was, how strong the neural handshake and how astonishing the fact was that breaking the rules and changing standards made the Becket brothers always save the day. Secretly Herc believed that in those days Chuck’s spite towards Raleigh Becket had been born.  
Herc had witnessed Mako’s confusion and ignorance about Chuck’s sudden change of behavior towards her and how she probably locked her disappointment and hurt away behind her perfect facade. He was sure that in that moment Stacker’s adopted daughter figured what everyone else did when it came to Chuck Hansen: that he was an arrogant, selfish dick, who was more than proud about being the youngest pilot ever in the PPDC. If his stupid shy boy only had had the courage to tell her, things might have been different.  
Once again Herc blamed himself. He should have been there for his son, have taught him how to deal with such emotions, but he was a failure in such things. Angela would have handled this so perfectly, but she was not there anymore. He should have seen it coming: Chuck and Raleigh beating up each other, yet that one time he hadn’t heard on his instinct, because different, more important things had been at stake. Otherwise he would have made sure that Chuck stayed out of the way and most certainly away from Mako and especially Raleigh. He should have known that his son couldn’t follow orders being around one of them. To forgive and move on was something Chuck was incapable of, because his own father had never been able to.  
All of this, Hercules Hansen was sure of it, especially how strange everything around him became once Mako was close enough that he started losing every other person out of focus, almost forgetting that they were there, all of this had to be the aftermath of his son’s memories, his son’s emotions and not his own. He still kept telling himself that. The only way to not being distracted by her was not being alone with her and so Herc always made sure of it.   
Now there was no avoiding her. Now she was almost shyly looking up at him with her sad eyes as she was rubbing Max’s head. Herc knew that her being all grownup or not as Stacker Pentecost’s best friend he had the responsibility to be there for her if she needed him. And he would even without his sense for those traits. He would not mind to wrap his arm around her again to comfort her, even though it should be anyone else than him, probably Raleigh.  
Herc realized that somehow he felt better. Still worn and tired but strangely slightly different than before as if gravity was pulling him down a little less. Just then he realized that he was smiling at her, since she smiled back at him; a sad smile, definitely similar to his. He swallowed dryly trying to lessen that facial expression slowly so that she would not take it wrong, because this was wrong. Again he needed to remind himself of that, though his brother Scott had been his copilot Herc never had confused their feelings and impressions and a part of him knew that this time this also was not the case. This glimpse of a thought was confession enough to make his heart skip a beat as Mako got back on her feet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mako is no sure why she feels so differently about the two most important men in her life.

Mako felt like a coward; fleeing into ripping her attention away from Herc and projecting all of it onto the dog, just like Chuck had done. She realized that some time ago when the Marshal's son chose to ignore her for the sake of Max. At least he had somehow managed to distract himself from hating her. Never had she completely understood why her friend suddenly had become a foe and what she had done wrong, since she always had believed that both of them were heading into the same direction, had the same interest, the same goal: fighting Kaiju to honor and avenge their lost loved ones and fulfill their duty. Looking at Herc Mako knew that he at least thought the same way.  
She had no idea why he smiled at her like that and looking up at him he did it again. Right now she could not handle him looking at her like that, she could not lock away what it made her feel because restraining her pain from losing her sensei was gnawing at her strength and composure. After all this time, after fighting for her cause, after all this discipline and straining she finally had succeeded, but had lost the family they had been fighting for. All Mako ever had wanted was avenging her lost family and start another life with her new one. She at least had Raleigh and he had her, but standing up, looking at Herc she knew that she wanted Herc to be part of it too. And as he had sensed what his slight smile was doing to her, it faded.  
"I... I should try to sleep, we both should", she made a brief nod to underline her words and Herc agreed with the same yet slower gesture.  
They headed into the same direction and just that made it impossible for them to go seperate ways without showing that something was wrong.  
Mako felt torn. With Stacker always being her fixed point, her supporting shadow, she somewhat felt lost without him, though Raleigh gave her a feeling of being understood she had never known before. He was her best-friend, her brother, her soul-mate, and yet there was something he could not be. For Mako it was hard to admit, because rationally, reasonably speaking Raleigh was the perfect match. He completed her, believed in her doubtlessly, gave her a self-awareness and a feeling of worthiness that she always had lacked despite Stacker’s efforts, probably because her sensei and her were too similar. Still Raleigh was not Herc.  
Walking next to the man that was old enough to be her father the similarities between the two now most important people in her life could not be more clear: they both were kind, idealistic, focused, reasonable and warm, they both had lost what they loved most in life, and still they moved on, still they played their part without complaining without displaying their torment. They were good men, people one could look up to, people one would trust and follow, and yet they both carried a black hole of pain, loss and doubt inside of them. So what was the difference? Raleigh needed her as much as she needed him, because – simply said – they were the other's medicine, healing old wounds, making each other better; but what was Herc to her?  
Mako didn’t realize that this question made her look at him until he sensed her gaze and made their eyes meet. There was no way of covering up her red cheeks as she quickly turned her face away and now they were reaching the more bright corridors. Why did Herc made her heart stop, and her mind turn blank and Raleigh didn’t? What was the difference? She could not tell, at least not without trying to explain something emotional with rationality. The only thing that came into her mind right there was that Herc was predictable and Raleigh wasn’t. Mako swallowed as it hit her. Herc didn’t expect anything from her, not that her co-pilot did, but there was a difference, somehow, was it? She knew that right now she was one of the most important things in Raleigh’s life. He himself had said that she made him think about the future, about how life would go on. Mako wondered if Herc did the same and shook her head, stopping instantly as she noticed him watching her. Silently she scolded herself once more.  
Others might have asked about her head-shake but not him, another thing Raleigh and him were just the same. Now that she had started to think about this, seeing similarities, she couldn’t stop. Mako was too tired, to worn to focus and her eyes were still burning from the hour she had spent crying alone.  
“How is your shoulder?” she asked to distract herself, although she already knew the answer.  
“Still hurtin’”, Herc replied just like she had called. “It’s fine. The meds make me feel sick.”  
That was more information than she had expected and from what she knew of him he was just admitting to not taking pain killers. Mako sympathized and was not surprised at all. Physical pain had the effect to distract from the psychological one, which was why she used to work out until she could barely breathe.  
“But how can you sleep then?” she needed to know even though she might cross an invisible line here; yet her worry about Herc’s well-being was stronger.  
There was a pause, a longer one than she had expected, although she should imagine what his answer would be and she was hoping that it didn’t.  
“I don’t”, Herc breathed out and Mako heard him continue in her mind, about how he was trying to, and every time he closed his eyes he would see Chuck, hear him, when he sleep he would dream about his dead son.  
At least this was what happened when she tried to sleep. Still she had never drifted with her surrogate father, never had been that ultimately close and intimate with him. Mako knew that despite their similar experiences, only Raleigh could possibly imagine what Herc went through, and it tormented her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mako becoming a little ... decisive.

The light of the corridors even dimmed, now as it was official night time, were still brighter than everywhere else. Herc knew that he had watched Mako think every time she was not looking at him, which was far less than he was used to. She looked that worn, tried and broken that his sympathy for her almost made him forget about his own suffering, or that he was following her lead as she brought him to his room, and not the other way around, like it should be.  
When they stopped Max automatically attempted to move further to the next door, since he was used to sleep in Chuck’s room and both stayed silent looking at the poor animal that didn’t understand why the room was so silent.  
“I should probably let him sleep there”, Herc said eventually, not being able to move his eyes away from the dog and back to Mako, since something had found its way into his eyes; he was lying to himself.  
She didn’t say a word; her response was a movement, when she walked further and opened the door to Chuck’s room, a lump in her throat. A part of her hoped that she would find him sleeping, or waking him up to receive an insult, just like Max probably was expecting something like a joyful welcoming. Nothing like that happened. The light stayed out and the room stayed lifeless. Mako leaned down to unleash the dog from her belt and the animal walk inside to lay down on its blanked with a deep sigh. When she turned around to Herc he was already fighting with his own door, gritting his teeth being angry and most certainly in pain. Yet Mako wasn’t entirely sure if the wetness on his face was a result of the latter.  
“Please, let me”, she said reaching out to unlock and open the door.  
Herc was gave her as much space as he could. Mako was aware of that. However he wasn’t able to move down the few metal steps, because she already had reached the door. She hadn’t thought of this, that she would standing that close again that it reminded her of his embrace. Mako opened the door and stepped into Herc’s room along with it to bring back a proper space between them. Her eyes were glued to the ground, her hands clinging to the cool metal behind her. She sensed a movement of his harm, probably him wiping off his face, drying his hand at his shirt before he entered his own room, stopping right in front of her.  
“Thank you”, his voice sounded more roughly that she was used to and stayed right there, like he was pondering about something.  
Shyly her eyes moved first, looking up at him and her head followed as she saw him frown, with his face being pale. It had to be the pain and the insomnia, she decided, just when she noticed his sweaty forehead. Mako watched herself move, almost like letting a memory pass her by in the drift. Her right palm was on his forehead, checking the slightly heightened temperature as her left took up his ice cold hand, that had hung next to his side.  
“Don’t you take any of your meds?” she scolded, though her voice sounded more scared than harsh as it should be.  
“They make me feel sick”, was the automatic response while he just stared at her.  
Her upper hand didn’t drop as she wanted it to, as it should, but stroke down his face, across his stubbly check. She couldn’t believe that she actually did touch his neck, before this traitor of a hand finally stopped on his uninjured shoulder. Yet the crown of it all was his expression not changing, him not flinching or moving away from her, but his hand squeezing hers, as if it wanted to pull her even closer, which was just her imagination of course.  
“You get into bed, now”, she ordered and made him turn away from her and towards his bed, catching him grin crookedly before his face moved out of her view, and pushed him gently, cautiously forward.  
She wasn’t sure if she really heard him say “yes, M’am”, or if he mumbled something else. Mako couldn’t possibly know how much she reminded him of his late wife Angela right now, because she was too surprised about herself and the fact that Herc followed her without any protest. Her thought were focusing on how clammy his shirt felt beneath her palms, only to be distracted by the movements of his muscles beneath the fabric.  
“Maybe you should shower first”, her tone changed as she sounded more suggesting now, more respectful, dropping her hands to clench them into fists, tearing her mind away from where it was going right now. “But you have to take your meds. I’ll get you something to eat.”  
She hesitated, waited a bit too long, knowing that she hoped for him to turn around to her, but he loosened the noose for his arm, making her eyes examine the lines of his neck and shoulders. Mako turned just the moment at she did.  
“You don’t have to”, he said, making her stop in her movement.  
“If you don’t take care of yourself, I will”, was her reply before she continued walking, closing the door behind her with her eyes to the ground, otherwise she would have seen his tired smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thoughts are tailing off

Herc had watched her close the door, but not shutting it. The expression on her face was something he wasn’t used to, but he didn’t know where to put it, only realized that it gave him a strange feeling that intensified the echo of her touch. It was like her hand had left a trail of warmth on his cool skin, making him realize that she was right. He needed to shower, to eat something, and maybe even take his meds and try to sleep. Maybe, so he thought, she could stay until he managed to do so. What a strange thing to imagine.   
Since he had no idea when she would return he would have to hurry up, otherwise he might create a situation that was more than inappropriate. He could and would not put that on her. And Herc told himself that over and over again, in the equal rhythm he tried to push pictures of imagination out of his mind, pressing his forehead against the tiles of his shower. His son would think of such things, not Herc. Imagining having her with him right now in this moment was not him, just like thinking of Mako touching his face again. Herc gritted his teeth and moved his injured arm, hoping that the pain would stop his mind traveling path he could not allow it to tread. Yet the only outcome was him becoming dizzy. He had no chance to admit that these images were his creations, and that he felt differently for this girl than he should, than it was appropriate.  
Mako had been torn between hastily returning to Herc’s room and giving him enough time to shower. The least thing she wanted to end up with was running in on him being fully naked, or half naked, or not decently covered at all. Being honest to herself she didn’t want this to happen because she was afraid what it would do to her, and not because it was inappropriate. It was one thing imagining things than remembering them and his scent still kept lingering in her nose.  
Her cheeks were burning and there was no way covering it up as she walked back with a plate of food and a mug of damping tea. Luckily people also tended to have flushed faces when they were really tired or heated up from working out and no one ever would expect something else one of those two possibilities seeing her. However no one crossed her path as she passed by her door and went further down to where the new Marshall’s room was.  
After arriving she stood there for a few seconds harkening for the sound of water raining down on metal, or something else; and when exactly that thought had come up she fought hard not to follow that picture putting itself together in her mind. Yet imagining was better than remembering, but still she was too tired to stop that picture. She couldn’t knock, because her hands her full, so she wanted to use her foot, to hopefully create a noise. Mako didn’t expect for the door to open as she did that and was rather asking herself if she had forgotten to close if completely than remind her of the fact what she might see in that very moment. Until it was too late.  
It wasn’t exactly relief what she felt when she looked at Herc’s half covered back as he tried to put on his Henley. Still she could see some of the slight burns die circuit suit had left on his skin due to the EMP. Mako blinked heavily to stop staring at his tailbone and eventually he released her through turning around.  
“Allow me to help”, she mumbled, at least it was what she meant to say, lowering her head to cover her face, and put the plate and mug away.  
She knew him since she was a child. Herc had been one of her surrogate father’s closest friends. There shouldn’t be anything awkward about it. And still it was. Mako wondered if this situation became so strange because he did not protest or became stubborn like he would have if it had been his own son. Probably it was only because he was tired and in pain, because when her eyes grazed his night table there were still some pills lying around.  
Mako didn’t look at him as she had come close enough.  
“Your right one first”, she said lowly, “it will hurt less”.   
Now Herc didn’t just feel old but like a cripple as well, which he was in so many ways. He was well aware of this, even more watching her taking care of him. Still her eyes avoided to meet his as she moved the long sleeved shirt around, so that he could place his hand into the sleeve and gently shoved up the fabric in a way that he didn’t need to move. Was she intentionally touching him at least possible as she could? Yet this idea became more and more unimportant the longer she stood that closely, close enough that only a few inches of air were between them, while she continued to move the fabric and helped him getting his healthy arm into the other sleeve.  
It was more difficult than she had expected: to not touch him whenever possible, to just use her fingertips to grab the shirt and move it. Mako had helped Stacker now and then on the worst days which had been become more in the last year. Still that wasn’t comparable to this situation. Around her surrogate father she had felt like a moon, silently and loyally circling in a steady course, but with Herc she felt like she had to fight his gravity, pulling her close and closer. Mako wanted to embrace him again, numb his pain with her own. After all he was everything she had left from the life that had defined her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> walls are breaking down

Eventually Mako was so lost in her thoughts that she did not pay much attention to what she was doing, or that Herc was holding still and caught up in watching her. And he didn’t want her to flinch or stop, simply because she was repeating herself: stroking down the fabric, making sure that it was sitting nicely even though the Henley was so hopelessly worn out that it simply couldn’t. Also Herc was not entirely sure how often he could allow her to continue pulling down the rim of his shirt and stroke out the crinkles, until he was exposing himself or embarrassing her. She stopped on her own, blinking like she just had woken up, her right hand still on his stomach before she turned around to get the noose for his injured arm.  
Mako’s heart was racing and she wasn’t entirely sure why. With her back facing him she tried to calm down this sudden outbreak of confusion and heat, fidgeting unnecessarily at the noose. Somehow she had been dreaming, inhaling much too deep the fresh scent of soap and what was him, not even realizing that she had started to touch him exactly like she hadn’t wanted to. Blaming it on that she was simply worn out and tired didn’t change it. Yet what dazzled her more was the fact that Herc hadn’t done or said anything about it; probably because he didn’t want to embarrass her, and still the thought of it made her skin tickle. Again the point of waiting too long passed and she was forced to turn around. However she just briefly met his eyes, smiling shyly before she assisted him putting on the noose again. He smiling back at her was branded into her mind; she still could see it even though her view had already wandered.  
The moment of realization that simply watching Mako silenced everything else in his mind manifested itself much later in Herc’s head than him giving in to this fact. So he had to admit that his behavior was nothing he rationally had chosen to do, which didn’t made it less wrong when it came to his own principles. However it also didn’t make it any easier to stop watching her, to continue allowing her to take care of him, quite the contrary. Herc hoped her movements would stay that slow, controlled and tender, that she would actually repeat herself several times again, just to be sure that the noose for his arm was sitting accurately. She was the only person whom he would allow to act like this. And that knowledge was rather a confession than a statement. Once again.  
It had been like after a black out, like sleeping awake or dreaming with eyes open. Herc had no idea for how long they had been standing there, if they even had, or if his hand had moved the very second Mako had stopped. He snapped back into consciousness the very moment his fingertips were touching her soft hair and he was incapable to stop, when his hand slid to the back of her head. She wasn’t looking at his face, and he had no idea where she was staring at, but she didn’t flinch, didn’t say a word, didn’t do anything that he was expecting, what made his heart attempting to start a race with his breathing which he wasn’t allowing to join, by simply holding it. Yet as if it was the most normal thing in the world her head was slowly placing itself against his healthy shoulder with her letting out a sigh and stepping closer. It almost seemed like she was surrendering with bittersweet relief.  
Mako simply couldn’t fight it, not anymore, and tired of explaining her own actions to herself, why she was moving so slowly, checking every action twice, or Herc’s behavior towards her which was plainly unexplainable. And then when all of the sudden, as she felt like her mind being blank for a second, she sensed his hand stroking through her hair, and she simply couldn’t resist anymore, almost didn’t even care about it anymore. Alongside the movement of his hand she stepped closer, leaning her head carefully against his healthy shoulder and exhaled. He seemed to have tensed all of the sudden, because apparently he held his breath until her face dropped against his neck.  
She could feel his breath rolling warming down her skin as he exhaled as well, just like his free hand carefully placing itself on her waist so that she barely felt it, just the heat that radiated through the fabric of her tank top. This was equally comforting and unbearable and it tore her apart in silence. Mako knew she should leave, knew she shouldn’t want more or even need more, especially from him, who was tired and worn out and morning. She felt like using him, utilizing his weakness. Again she tried to explain something with her mind while a buried part of her was protesting against it. That part which moved her right hand to mirror his, sliding it to his back, placing it right above his tailbone, increasing the pressure of her palm, making him move closer. That part of her that made her head just move an inch, but enough to let her mouth leave the covering fabric of his shit to touch the skin right beside it. Why was she taking such a risk all of the sudden? Was she out of her mind?  
His reaction was almost non-existent, so subtle that she only noticed it due to her closing her eyes, though her body was being electrified for a just a second, as she felt his head leaning against hers. The fingers of his hand on her side were tensing a bit as he gave in to her, moving one step closer. They probably could stand like this forever, but it didn’t seem to be enough; not anymore.


End file.
